A reader writes:
I have a hard time talking to my parents. It seems they either blow me off, or expect me to fail. It doesn’t seem that they have any faith in me at all. Then they complain that we never talk!
My Answer
Communication within families sometimes seems to be the most challenging! We all have a history in the relationship and begin to make assumptions based on past performance or previous expectations.
The truth is, no matter how difficult it may be to break through your past history, the payoff for persistence is greater intimacy, which is pretty much what most people are looking for.
When you talk to your parents, know that they also are looking for this intimacy, or they would not say “we never talk.”
Moving ahead with that assumption, do not play games and beat around the bush, but state plainly what it is that you are looking for or what you want to communicate. Do not expect them to read your mind.
Give your parents a chance to think about what you say, even if it means leaving the subject alone for a few hours and coming back to it later.
When they respond, be honest and straightforward and calm about your feelings and your needs. Be as open as you can be. Do not base your expectations on the past, but remember that each interaction has a chance to be fresh and new, taking your relationship to a higher level.
Important communication skills include:
- Calm. Make your approach non threatening by being respectful of the other person’s time and feelings.
- Clear. Clearly state what you want to communicate directly to the person you want to communicate with. Do not try to work through another person.
- Consideration. Give the other person a chance to consider what you say.
- Clarification. Listen to what they say, and communicate back to them what you think you understood them to say.
- Confrontation. This does not have to be forceful, but be persistent until you understand each other (keeping the previous points in mind all along the way.)
- Closeness. Calm, clear, respectful communication can break down years of barriers erected for self protection.
Self protection often leads to loneliness and isolation. Taking the time to break those barriers releases you and creates space for greater intimacy.
