Q. I have a hard time talking to my parents. It seems they either blow me off, or expect me to fail. It doesn't seem that they have any faith in me at all. Then they complain that we never talk!
A. Communication within families sometimes seems to be the most challenging! We all have a history in the relationship and begin to make assumptions based on past performance or previous expectations. The truth of the matter is, that no matter how difficult it may be to break through all that, the payoff for persistence is greater intimacy, which is pretty much what most people are looking for. When you talk to your parents, know that they also are looking for this intimacy, or they would not say "we never talk." Moving ahead with that assumption, do not play games and beat around the bush, but state plainly what it is that you are looking for or what you want to communicate. Do not expect them to read your mind. Give them a chance to think about what you say, even if it means leaving the subject lie for a few hours and coming back to it later. When they respond, be honest and straight forward and calm about your feelings and your needs. Be as open as you can be. Do not base your expectations on the past, but remember that each interaction has a chance to be fresh and new, taking your relationship to a higher level. Important communication skills include:
1. Calm. Make your approach non threatening by being respectful of the other person's time and feelings.
2. Clear. Clearly state what you want to communicate directly to the person you want to communicate with. Do not try to work through another person.
3. Consideration. Give the other person a chance to consider what you say.
4. Clarification. Listen to what they say, and communicate back to them what you think you understood them to say.
5. Confrontation. This does not have to be forceful, but be persistent until you understand each other (keeping the previous points in mind all along the way.)
6. Closeness. Calm, clear, respectful communication can break down years of barriers erected for self protection. Self protection often leads to loneliness and isolation. Taking the time to break those barriers releases you and creates space for greater intimacy.
Q. It seems a mystery to me how one can NOT take offense when another does something to hurt you. I know that things are not always what they appear to be and we don't always know why people do what they do. If I see someone behave in a way that might be hurtful or aggressive to me, I try to see them in the eyes of Jesus and think that if only they had love, they would not want to even appear to be mean or hurtful or critical or judgemental, right?
A. It sure can be difficult to see "hurtful actions" as not about you but about the one doing the hurting; but that is what it is.....people act and react more often than not, out of their own pain and dysfunction; sometime people are just thoughtless because of a momentary slip of consciousness.....but very rarely is it about the intended recipient, really. So whether it is a momentary lapse (which we all have from time to time) or a habit of unconsciousness....it requires love without "attachment" which is the kind of love Jesus had and has....where he was never dependent upon anyone else's approval. People come and people go, so do hurts and pains as well as joys....we need to hold the things of this world lightly...
The question is not, "Do they have love?" but "do I have love?" What is going on in their mind really is not our concern because we can't change that. We can only change our own minds.
Q. My kids and my husband are always making me angry; and when I get angry, it escalates and I can't stop it! What can I do?
A. Those that we love and live with seem to be the best at exposing our weaknesses, don't they! It can feel really exasperating at times. Here are a few suggestions to keep your anger under control:
1. Take responsibility for your anger. It is coming from you and no one else, so you are the only one who can control it.
2. Take a few deep breaths or count to 10.
3. Ask yourself why you are angry. This sounds like a strange thing to do, but usually the reason is not as straightforward as you think. It is often because we might feel disrespected or ineffective or unrecognized. It might be because now you have something else to do and you were already feeling overwhelmed.
4. Depending on the answers you get to #3, make a plan to deal with the real reason. Can you state something in a clearer way? Can you take some time off by yourself to think things through? Can you delegate something? Does a child need to have a consequence for breaking an established rule? Or maybe there was not explicit rule and now you are frustrated that they "should have known." Mind reading doesn't work. Straight, clear, loving communication does.
5. The reason anger spirals out of control is because if you focus on something, you attract more of what you focus on. So when you focus on an injustice or a slight or a thoughtless comment, it gets bigger and bigger in your mind and you get more and more angry.
6. So, take a step to make things right and move on...don't get stuck where you don't want to be!!
Q. My mom is in the hospital and can no longer think well and does not have control of her natural functions. Can you tell me how she can maintain positive thoughts?
A. This is certainly a difficult time for the family as well as your mom. There might be a tendency to want to panic and lose hope. Meditation is a good practice to develop not only positive thoughts, but to reduce pain as well. It does not matter what your faith background is. There are certain things that I find to be similar in many faith traditions. One thing is that God is the source of all life. He actually IS the breath of life. Sit quietly and focus on that breath within you. As you breathe in and out slowly, consciously connect with the Source of all life and affirm that you are one with him. He is wholeness and goodness and peace and love. All things come from him and return to him. This is the natural flow of life. In Him is fullness of joy in this world and the next. He is wrapping his arms around you and bringing peace and comfort. He IS life, so when you concentrate on being one with him, he brings fulfillment and peace. If your mom is too sick to do this for herself, you can do it for her (as well as for yourself).
Thoughts are energy. When we focus on love and wholeness and peace and beauty, we surround ourselves with those things so that the energy around you (and your mom) envelops you both in this peace. If we harbor fearful thoughts and thoughts with negative energy, we bring that energy to our situation. This is why a daily practice of meditation is helpful for maintaining positive energy. It builds one day on top of another so that when difficult situations arise, we are better equipped to deal with them. It is never too late to start. Just breathe.
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marianne@marianneclyde.com and watch here for answers!