Individual Counseling and Group Workshops

Infidelity happens when couples are not paying attention. It kind of creeps up on you without really noticing that it is happening. Then, before you know it, you are visiting a marriage counselor together (or separately) and trying to figure out why and how it happened.

A dizzy, sickening feeling of unreality can overtake a spouse when he or she discovers that they have been betrayed by the one they trusted most. Infidelity is like a sucker punch that knocks the floor out from under your feet.

Case Example

Steve and Candy had been married 28 years. Yes, there had been the usual tensions. Each of them was busy with other things. Work had taken its toll on both partners in time and energy.

There seemed to be less to talk about with each other. She was often tired. His attitude had become more and more negative. Conversations were cut short because each figured they “knew” what the other was going to say.

Sex wasn’t as frequent, but it was still happening. She thought that as long as she did her “duty” the marriage was safe. Not fulfilling, perhaps, but safe.
He got tired of asking for sex, only to have her sigh and say, “OK.” She was kind of relieved that he stopped asking.

They were getting older; each figured that the other was OK with the way things were. Day ran into day; week ran into week and years passed this way.

Then, one day, Candy got a phone call: a woman asking for Steve.

“Can I take a message?”

“Uh, no,” the caller stutters, “I’m sorry. I will try his cell phone.”

Not thinking much of it, Candy ran out the door. She had a lunch date anyway and she was late.

It was a business appointment. He was a colleague: Such a fun guy; so easy to talk to. How refreshing to have someone listen to her without judging or criticizing. They were getting together to discuss a deal they were working on for her business. Funny, her heart didn’t usually start to flutter like this for a business appointment. Oh well. It felt kind of good for a change.

Meanwhile, Steve got a phone call at his office from a very flustered lady.

“Who was the lady that answered the phone at your house?”

“What? You called my house? Why would you DO that? I told you to only use my cell phone…”

And so it goes. Steve and Candy. Neither are evil people. There have been no big fights or flair ups, just long term breakdown of communication.

Boredom and complacency had set in. Both partners had stopped really caring what was best for the relationship, and just wanted to be comfortable.

Sound familiar? We all want to feel comfortable, but not at the risk of our marriages!

Building Intimacy Can Prevent Infidelity

Building intimacy takes a lot of work. It requires that you talk about things you’ve talked about a hundred times.

It takes always keeping the welfare of your relationship foremost in your mind.

It takes renewal of your hopes and dreams and goals.

How to Renew Intimacy Before It Is Too Late

Here are a few tips to renew intimacy before it’s too late.

1. Set aside time for each other on a regular basis just for being together (not for going over the bills!) Perhaps breakfast out once a week, or meeting for a drink after work, or lunch or walking together every day, or whatever works for you. Put it on your calendar and commit to it.
2. Check in with each other. Is your partner feeling loved and appreciated? Don’t just keep doing what you’re doing; see if it’s working. For example: If you bring home flowers every week, or you put a note in his/her lunch or suitcase regularly, these are great things to do if they make your partner feel loved.

   But possibly your partner would feel more loved if you would pick up the dry cleaning or cook a meal once in a while; maybe he/she likes surprises sometimes. Find out. The only way to do that is to ask! And listen.

3. Speaking of listening: Don’t always butt in to correct or fix or minimize a strong emotion. Let your partner vent. Validate the “feeling” and empathize. Ask before you offer a solution to see if that’s what they’d like from you. Don’t be afraid of strong feelings. We all have them. The best way to overcome them is to be able to acknowledge them and have a healthy outlet to release them.
4. Maintain an active, healthy sex life. I know you are tired. Talk about it. Compromise. If one partner wants sex 5 times a week and the other can only work up the energy every other week, maybe there is a midway compromise point. Does once a week work for each of you? Ask. Be honest. Is there something else standing in the way? How can it be resolved?
5. Never speak ill of your spouse to others. Don’t let yourself get into the habit of spouse bashing just because “everyone else does it.” Walk away from that conversation, or add something positive.
6. Be aware of the energy you bring into the house. Have you had a stressful day? Leave it at the door. Did someone cut you off in traffic? Take a deep breath and let it go before you walk in the house. Your spouse doesn’t deserve the lashing out that you were not able to give your boss. Breathe. Talk about it later when you have some quiet time together.
7. Shake things up once in a while and do something you’ve never done before. It’s healthy to experience new things together and gives you something new to talk about.

Keep it fresh. Keep talking. Keep up the sex. Stay focused on your mutual goals. Did I mention…just breathe….?

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Is your marriage or love relationship stuck in the doldrums or feeling stale? Short-term relationship coaching could be all you need to transform your relationship from “ho-hum” to that magical state of being in love all over again.

Marianne Clyde helps men and women throughout Northern Virginia create and maintain happy, vibrant, loving marriage and family relationships. For more information or to request an appointment, call Marianne today: (540) 347-3797.