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Marianne Clyde’s Self Help Blog

Written by Marianne on January 25, 2011

Welcome to Marianne Clyde’s ‘new’ self-help blog.

My website, blog and shop have had a major makeover!

This means that the blog articles that were on my old blog will be re-posted over the coming few weeks. As we update my new website and blog, you will come across blog articles that I originally published awhile ago, as they are being republished here.

If you missed them the first time around, then here’s your opportunity to catch up with them — and to post any comments.

During this transition, some of the comments that were originally posted to the articles on the ‘old’ blog may not show up here; if you previously added a comment and wish to comment again, please do when you have a moment.

Thank you for visiting my blog!

Categories: Welcome - Tags: ,

Healthy Relationships: 5 Simple Ways to Keep Your Love Alive and Fresh

Written by Marianne on January 26, 2012

Healthy Love Relationship tips from Marianne Clyde, Licensed Marriage and Family Counselor, Warrenton VA

Keeping Love Alive

So you think your relationship is pretty good? Nothing wrong, per se, just a little stagnant sometimes?

Even healthy relationships go through times of negativity, boredom and adjustment. We are human and we like our routines, but sometimes our routines can become a rut. Morning and evening rituals feel stale; family mealtime conversation is dull; sex feels more like an obligation.

When boredom sets in, you may be tempted to ignore those feelings and hope they go away because you don’t want to risk stirring things up in an otherwise good relationship.

But there is a danger in keeping silent. We need stimulation; and if our current lives are not stimulating, we will seek excitement elsewhere, potentially damaging our love relationships.

Healthy Relationship Tips

Here are 5 simple ways you can keep your love alive and fresh when you find yourself feeling bored and wanting more out of your relationship.

  1. Identify New Activities To Do Together

    2. Sit down with your partner and come up with a list of new things you can do together that are different from your current routines. (Instead of watching TV every night, maybe you could play cards or take a bike ride or a walk. Maybe you could cook dinner together or read a book to each other. Perhaps you can take up dancing, join a bowling league, take painting lessons together, go golfing, or hiking.)

  2. Get Away Together

    3. Plan a getaway to some place new and different, just the two of you, where you can experience new surroundings together. You could each take part in planning a vacation or a hiking trip or a weekend visit to the museums downtown.

  3. Schedule Date Times With Each Other

    4. Schedule a certain time each week to have coffee or breakfast together or meet for drinks after work to discuss what has been going on in your lives or to make the plans you need to make for the next week.

  4. Discuss Your Sex Life

    5. Is your sex life working ok for you? Too much…too little…too routine? What needs to change?

  5. Tell Your Partner Why You Love Him or Her

    6. Remind your partner why you fell in love in the first place. Share the qualities you most appreciate in him or her. Mention specific details to keep it real and believable. Touch base mid-day sometimes, just to say “I love you,” “I’m thinking about you.”

    Small Kindnesses Make a Big Difference

    Sometimes we think that shaking things up in our relationship or changing our stale routines takes too much effort and thought. In reality, a small act of kindness can make a huge difference. A little gesture that shows you are thinking about him or her and care about your partner, or a small detour in daily routines, can yield immense benefits in all areas of your relationship.

    Relationship Housekeeping

    There is nothing wrong with your home just because you have to dust your furniture, make your beds, do the dishes and clean your windows occasionally. Every home needs regular maintenance and attention to sparkle and be a comfortable place in which to live.

    The same goes for your spouse. Your wife, husband or partner needs to know that they are a priority in your life. It doesn’t take much time or thought to tell him or her that you are happy that you are together.

    You don’t have to take all five actions at one time, but keep these tips in mind to maintain the healthy, loving relationship you already have, or to work toward that as your goal. The care you show your partner and and the effort you put into maintaining your relationship make will come back to you in buckets.

Related Reading: 50 Ways to Love Your Lover

Is your marriage or love relationship stuck in the doldrums or feeling stale? Short-term relationship coaching could be all you need to transform your relationship from “ho-hum” to that magical state of being in love all over again.

Marianne Clyde helps men and women throughout Northern Virginia create and maintain happy, vibrant, loving marriage and family relationships. For more information or to request an appointment, call Marianne today: (540) 347-3797.

Categories: Love, Marriage, Relationship Issues - Tags: ,

The Alabaster Box: Rediscover Your True Self Through Art Group Class

Written by Marianne on August 7, 2011

Marianne Clyde, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Warrenton, Virginia, together with Kate Brown-Wing of Brown-Wing Art Studio in Warrenton, Virginia invite you to attend their upcoming personal development group class, “The Alabaster Box: Rediscover Your True Self Through Art”.

Working together, Marianne and Kate will lead you on a rewarding journey to the inner self, using art to access the right brain and connect with the incredible, powerful and focused person that lies beneath the day-to-day self that may be struggling with stress, anxiety and/or depression.

For more information, call Marianne Clyde at (540) 347-3797.

To preregister, visit Marianne’s website: The Alabaster Box: Rediscover Your True Self Through Art”.

Marianne Clyde is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in treating anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and spiritual malaise.

Marianne’s practice is located at 20 Ashby Street, Suite 105, Warrenton, Virginia.
Phone: (540) 347-3797

Categories: Art Therapy, Group Classes, Therapy Groups - Tags: , , ,

Meditation Myths: How and Why Meditation is Good for You

Written by Marianne on August 6, 2011

I have been practicing meditation for many years, and have benefited tremendously from my meditation practice.

So it surprises me that many people I meet are afraid to meditate.

This article takes aim at some of the popular myths surrounding meditation, and explains how and why meditation is good for you.

Feeling Stressed? Meditation Can Help!

High stress levels are a natural by-product of our fast-paced, “microwave” society and our shaky economy.

Meditation is a practical way to de-stress that is easy to learn.

Cultivating a calmer, peaceful  outlook on life is good for your health.  Studies have shown that regular meditators experience:

  • Fewer heart problems
  • Stronger immune systems
  • Lower anxiety
  • Increased focus and decision making skills
  • Increased self esteem
  • Closer connection to God.

If meditation is so good for you, why are so many people afraid or put off by “meditation”?

Meditation Myths and Misconceptions

Let’s dispel some of the myths and misconceptions that stop people from learning to meditate.

Myth #1: Meditation is the Work of the Devil

Some people believe that emptying your mind through meditation creates an opening for the devil, who takes advantage of an “empty mind.”

Here’s how I see it:  Just as white appears to be empty of color, it is actually a combination of all the colors of the visible spectrum, so completion appears as nothing.

In the same way, when you really still your mind, you open it to the whole spectrum of God, so you can truly experience the oneness with Him that He intends for us to have.

Again, completion appears as nothing.   You are able to hear and know and love more clearly.

Myth #2: You have to sit in uncomfortable positions to meditate

No, you don’t.  The seated cross-legged “lotus position” is just one of many position you can use when you meditate.  It is recommended, but not required, in some types of meditation such as zazen.

The truth is you can meditate in any comfortable position, sitting or lying down or even walking.

Myth #3: Meditation is not compatible with Christianity

Many people believe that meditation is a religious activity that is practiced exclusively by Buddhists and is anti-Christian.

Many religions, including Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Taoism, Hinduism, as well as New Age practitioners and secular organizations recommend the practice of meditation as a way of stilling your mind, focusing your thoughts and becoming more mindful about your life.

Just as prayer is not practiced by only one religion, or even religious people, so, too, meditation as a discipline can be incorporated into a well rounded, healthy life.

Myth #4:  You meditate by chanting “om”

Mantras are only part of some types of meditation.  Sometimes a short phrase or word is helpful to help keep you focused, but you can choose any word or phrase that works for you:  God, Love, Peace, Joy, One.

You can also use an affirmation:  I am perfect, whole and complete; I am one with God.

Or you can use none at all.  You might want to just focus on your breath: in and out.

Myth #5:  Meditation is just a waste of time spent doing nothing

While you can certainly feel like nothing much is happening while you meditate, you can be assured that a lot of good is happening while you meditate.

Studies have shown that consistent practice of quieting your mind can indeed:

  • lower anxiety
  • increase clarity
  • boost immunity
  • reduce risk of heart disease
  • increase brain function
  • reduce pain and irritability
  • improve concentration and attitude.

A few minutes a day of focused time make the rest of your day more efficient.  Just as you don’t pull up a sprout to see if it’s growing, you just water it, knowing that it is growing.

So, while meditation comes with no guarantees of a happy life or get rich quick schemes, the practice of cultivating mindfulness and focusing on your oneness with the Creator and creation slows down your life enough be present and effective in your everyday life.  It teaches you to treasure the moment and everything in it.

Free Friday Morning Meditation Group

I offer a free open meditation session at my office on Fridays from 9-9:45 a.m. at 20 Ashby Street, Suite 105, Warrenton, VA.  Everyone is welcome. I hope you will join me!

Simply arrive a few minutes early to settle in, and then we will enjoy 45 minutes of quiet time together.

For more information, call me direct: (540) 347-3797.

Categories: Meditation - Tags: , ,

Can Marriage Counseling Save Your Marriage?

Written by Marianne on May 11, 2011

Are you wondering if marriage counseling can save your marriage?  The answer is: It depends.

As a licensed marriage and family counselor who has worked with hundreds of couples and families, I have found that marriage counseling works best when each spouse:

1) Is at least willing to work on the marriage.
2) Is coachable.
3) Is willing to take 100% responsibility for his/her own feelings, emotions, actions and thoughts.
4) Knows what they want to get out of marriage counseling.

Know your goals

It’s important to know what your goals are for marriage counseling.

  • Do you want your spouse to stop berating you?
  • Do you want your children to behave?
  • Do you want your partner to agree with you?
  • Do you want him/her to stop working late and spend more time with the family?
  • OR do you want to be a better husband, wife, mother or father?

How marriage counseling can help

A professional marriage counselor can help both partners in a marriage:

1) Get clear about your needs and what you really want from your marriage and your partner.
2) Identify behaviors in your partner and yourself that trigger unhappiness or undermine the marriage.
3) Learn and practice new behaviors that bring you closer together
4) Gain insight into your own communication patterns and how they are helping or hurting the marriage.

Marriage counseling can help you specify your goals and focus on what you really want. If you are just not happy because your spouse is not being what you want or need in a relationship, you are not taking responsibility for your own happiness. If you leave your happiness in the hands of someone else, then you lose control over your own life.

Clarify your needs

However, marriage counseling can help you clarify and speak your needs in a way that your spouse can hear and understand. This is important because it minimizes “global” arguing such as “you always”… or “you never…”

Even “I will do anything to make you happy” needs to be clarified. Anything? Really?

Communicate more effectively

Marriage counseling gets you focused on your needs and helps you communicate those needs effectively in a less emotional way. Once you are clear about what you want, and what you are actually willing to do, you don’t have to scream, whine, pout, nag or create a chilly silence. You can clearly state your need and ask for what you want. Then your partner can hear you and choose to respond in a direct, clear way.

Identify troubling behaviors

Counseling can also help you identify the behaviors that trigger you and assist in finding the reason for those triggers. Looking for long held beliefs about yourself, family, relationships, and roles can help uncover thoughts and beliefs that are no longer true or helpful for you. Once discovered, those beliefs can be changed to ones that are more effective and powerful for your present situation.

Examine your beliefs

By examining your beliefs, you find out where they come from and you can consciously choose to keep those beliefs or change them. You can then take the reins of your own life and steer yourself and your relationship in the direction that works best for you.

Recalling the reasons you got together in the first place and appreciating the things your partner does well, are important aspects of marriage counseling. It is much easier to agree to try to make changes if you feel that what you are already doing is noticed and appreciated.

Get perspective

One more way that you can benefit from marriage counseling is that you will have an unbiased third party listening to your communication patterns, watching the way you come across relationally, and listening to your stated desires and needs. This can help because you have an outside opinion and perspective that perhaps you hadn’t thought of before. It can shake you out of a rut or pattern that you never recognized before.

So to answer your question, “Can marriage counseling save my marriage?”,  it can help you clarify your needs, goals and desires and learn to communicate them clearly.

If you and your spouse are open to feedback and willing to learn and grow, you will both come out of the experience wiser, stronger, more effective in your communication skills.  Then you may to be able to let go of the past and move forward in a way that works for both of you, and perhaps rekindle the affection that has been smothered or dormant.

If you want a marriage therapist to change your wife/husband so that you can stay in your comfort zone and not have to grow or take responsibility, chances are the answer is no.

Call me today!

Call me today if you want a happier, healthier marriage. 540-347-3797

Categories: Communication, Family, Marriage, Relationship Issues, Uncategorized - Tags: , , , , , ,

Post Traumatic Stress: Recovery Success Story

Written by Marianne on February 12, 2011

As a professional therapist, my greatest joy in life is helping people heal past traumas, hurts, shames and pains that have held them back in life . . . in the shortest time possible.

I am also gratified and honored when they choose to share their story of healing in their own words. Every person I work with is unique . . . but my clients also share much in common: a struggle against pain, and a determination to reclaim their life, as this woman did:

I was stuck on pause.

Frozen in time.

All forward motion in my life had ceased.

I had been attacked and left for dead by my ex-husband of 20+ years. I had been in and out of therapy with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety disorder, insomnia and nightmares.

I got through my days with Ativan, afraid to go to sleep and dream. My life was a 1000- piece puzzle swirling around a wind tunnel refusing to come together and make me whole again.

Then I found Marianne.

We started with a 3-hour appointment. I knew right away she was going to help me. I felt safe and encouraged to uncover everything to put the pieces together. I was able to remember a period in my childhood that was blank and disturbing. We put the puzzle together. My childhood started to make sense.

I found answers.

I found ground zero where it all began and took my life back.

I have been able to deal with any anxiety now without medication.

Sleep is returning. I have a new normal that I like very much.

Marianne Clyde operates outside of the box. She respected my beliefs and didn’t push anything on me I did not want or couldn’t handle. That’s what made my work with her so healing.

I’m not frightened by the things that have happened to me anymore. We put the puzzle together and I feel a peace I haven’t felt in a long time.

Healing my physical wounds has been very straightforward. A logical predetermined order. Healing my heart and soul and the very essence of who I am has been a long journey. I never gave up and I eventually found Marianne. It’s the first time I viewed therapy as having a beginning, middle, and end. I was able to say I’m done. I’m ready to take my new normal for a spin.

With Marianne’s help I feel like I’m finally the real me.”

M.B., Haymarket, VA

Categories: Anxiety, Depression - Tags:

How to Recognize and Treat Eating Disorders

Written by Marianne on February 8, 2011

Do you know someone with an eating disorder? See if this story rings any bells for you:

Rachel was a model teenager. Middle child of a large family, she always cooked the big Sunday dinner, the family event of the week. They all loved the sherry gravy. They all loved Rachel.

She worked at the rectory, cooking for the priests, helped her dad assemble widgets for his work, oversaw the grocery list so that there was always plenty of her friend’s favorite snacks when they came over. She was so efficient in the kitchen that she even oversaw her parents’ parties, where the whiskey sours were flowing freely. Everybody kind of left her alone to do her thing because she was so good at it.

Nobody noticed that Rachel never ate what she cooked. She was always catering to others: the priests, the family, her friends, her parent’s guests. Nobody seemed to see her take a swig or two of the sherry. The whiskey sours were flowing so freely, no one really noticed that more was missing than there should have been.

Rachel’s teachers loved her because she never caused a problem and was so reliable. Rachel was so responsible, who would have thought she had a problem?

Everyone laughed when she was in her bikini with her tiny body and she put her hand on her little tummy exclaiming how fat she was. It was so ludicrous that no one took her seriously; until it was too obvious to ignore.

She was getting too thin. She was drinking too much. How did this happen?

Rachel was actually deathly afraid of getting fat. Her almost exclusive consumption was of alcohol. That seemed to be her only intake of calories.

When dad noticed that Rachel was too thin, he offered to buy her a whole new wardrobe if she gained weight.

Daddies fix things. But he could not fix Rachel . . . and it broke his heart. She was past the point of being able to “just stop it.” Staying thin and starving herself had become an addiction.

It was time to get help. If her family had only been able to recognize the signs of anorexia, they could have sought help sooner. By the time people started to say, “You look anorexic!” she was pretty far into the addiction. Not only did that phrase not help motivate her to gain weight, she took it as a compliment. She was “too fat” before that.

Eating Disorders are Potentially Deadly, but Treatable

The earlier you can recognize the symptoms of an eating disorder, the better. Typically, people with eating disorders have body images that are so skewed that they can’t see that a problem exists.

But eating disorders can be deadly. Potentially 20% of people who suffer from eating disorders will eventually die from them.

Fortunately for Rachel, she got help. Now she is married and has two lovely children. Her life has been restored. It could have been so much easier if the signs had been caught earlier.

While the largest population that suffers from eating disorders is by far females in their teens and early 20’s, there are also men, older women and children that are diagnosed as well.

Eating disorders come from a complex mixture of physical issues as well as deep psychological, emotional and social issues.

Early Signs of Eating Disorders

  • Compulsive dieting behaviors
  • Preoccupation with weight and body image
  • Unusual food behaviors….cutting into teeny pieces, moving around on plate, hiding it in napkin
  • Making excuses to not eat: to full, already ate
  • Vicarious enjoyment of food by cooking, entertaining, serving it
  • Self induced vomiting (pay attention to going into the bathroom during or immediately after a meal)
  • Use of diet pills
  • Laxative use
  • Extreme or obsessive exercise
  • Abuse of syrup of ipecac
  • Fasting
  • Use of diuretics

Weight Alone is Not a Reliable Indicator of an Eating Disorder

Weight is not always a good indicator of an eating disorder. Many with eating disorders are abusing their bodies in a life-threatening way, and are overweight. The important thing is that if you feel like something is wrong and you can’t put your finger on it, seek help.

Even if the person in question won’t accept that she needs therapy, she may agree to see a medical doctor for a checkup. Either place is a good place to start.

Sometimes it helps to have a team of helpers, (doctor, therapist, nutritionist, family, support group). These are all necessary components to the healing process.

Food is Not the Real Issue

Even though eating disorders seem to revolve around food, food is not really the issue. It is the field on which this potentially life threatening drama plays out. A doctor can monitor one’s physical health, a nutritionist can support a healthy eating plan, but a therapist helps her uncover the hidden beliefs that keep one stuck in this spiral of self destruction.

When the core beliefs underlying an eating disorder are changed, then people start to heal from the inside out. It helps immensely to have a supportive group of friends and family through the long road to healing. Residential eating disorder treatment programs are available as well.

If you live in or near Warrenton, Virginia and are in need of a trained and empathetic eating disorder therapist, call me today:
Marianne Clyde, (540) 347-3797.
Or visit: www.marianneclyde.com for more information.

Categories: Addiction, Eating Disorder, Family - Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Are You Feeling Stressed to the Max?

Written by Marianne on February 6, 2011

Heart starts pounding. Butterflies fluttering in your stomach.  Too much to do. 

Your breathing is shallow and rapid.  Feeling a little dizzy.  How is it all going to get done? 

Feeling like you are going to snap or lose control.  Hands are shaking.  Needing to escape.  But you are at work. 

What do you do when you are feeling stressed to the max?

The holiday season is a time of year when we all have the same expectations and issues to deal with that were there yesterday and last month. But, with the holidays approaching and family issues piling up, the pressure of sending out holiday cards and attending parties and shopping and baking and cooking and year end accounts needing to be tied up….auuuggghh!  It’s enough to make anyone feel crazy!

If you are suffering from anxiety on any level, the first question you must ask yourself is “How is this serving me?” 

“What?” you say.  “It doesn’t serve me!  I want to be rid of it!”

 I know this question seems ridiculous, but the fact remains that often when we are anxious or worried or depressed or feeling bad, we are getting something out of it.  Even if it’s just a protection mechanism: i.e. If I worry about it, at least I will have been prepared if I don’t finish or if something goes wrong, and I won’t be caught off guard.

See how normal and sane that sounds?  Read it again and see how crazy it really is!

Those kind of thought processes and beliefs keep us stuck in negative feelings.  Don’t plan to have a disaster; deal with it if it comes, but don’t expect it.

Living in the Moment is the Best Way to Cope

The only way to live a productive life is to live this very minute and this very minute only.  If you live in the past:  Aunt Bessie always comes and she always starts a fight and then Uncle Joe storms out and the day is ruined for everyone!

Or in the future:  What will happen is Susie doesn’t like the gift I got her?  I will be so devastated!

Can you see how this creates it’s own anxiety?  Anxiety feeds on itself and is contagious.  So identify how it is serving you and give yourself permission to let that reason go.

Recommended Coping Strategies

 

1.  First thing to do when you feel anxiety rising is to breathe.  I know I always say this, but it is the single most important thing you can do to release stress and anxiety and anger.  It relaxes your muscles; it slows and deepens your breathing so that you don’t get dizzy; and it gives you time to calm yourself down.

2.  Talk to yourself in a calm positive way.  I can handle this.  I just need to take this one step at a time.  This feeling will pass.

3.  Get up and take short walk, or go talk to someone about something unrelated to the issue at hand;  distract yourself, just as you would a child who is stuck in a screaming fit.

After you calm down, then you can determine a plan to accomplish everything you need to do.  Or you can create a strategy to plan around Aunt Bessie and Uncle Joe. 

There is always an answer . . .

. . .but sometimes it is difficult to see when your head is spinning!  Remember to enlist the help of a supportive friend to help you stay focused.

Need Help? Call Me: (540) 347-3797

Or you can contact me via email using the form on this page.

Originally Posted by marianne at 12/8/2010 3:19 PM

Categories: Anxiety, Stress - Tags: , ,

How to Stay Positive When Ill and Hospitalized

Written by Marianne on February 5, 2011

A reader writes:

My mom is in the hospital and can no longer think well and does not have control of her natural functions.  Can you tell me how she can maintain positive thoughts?

My Answer

This is certainly a difficult time for the family as well as your mom.  There might be a tendency to want to panic and lose hope.  Meditation is a good practice to develop not only positive thoughts, but to reduce pain as well. 

It does not matter what your faith background is.  There are certain things that I find to be similar in many faith traditions.  One thing is that God is the source of all life.  He actually IS the breath of life.  Sit quietly and focus on that breath within you.  As you breathe in and out slowly, consciously connect with the Source of all life and affirm that you are one with him.  He is wholeness and goodness and peace and love.  All things come from him and return to him.  This is the natural flow of life.  In Him is fullness of joy in this world and the next.  He is wrapping his arms around you and bringing peace and comfort.  He IS life, so when you concentrate on being one with him, he brings fulfillment and peace. 

If your mom is too sick to do this for herself, you can do it for her (as well as for yourself).  Thoughts are energy.  When we focus on love and wholeness and peace and beauty, we surround ourselves with those things so that the energy around you (and your mom) envelops you both in this peace.  If we harbor fearful thoughts and thoughts with negative energy, we bring that energy to our situation.

Benefits of Daily Meditation

This is why a daily practice of meditation is helpful for maintaining positive energy.  It builds one day on top of another so that when difficult situations arise, we are better equipped to deal with them.

It is never too late to start.  Just breathe.

Got a Question For Me?

You can write to me here. Email me using the form on this link and I will get back to you soon!

Categories: Fear, Illness, Physical Health, Positive Thinking, Spiritual Healing - Tags: , , , , ,

My Family Makes Me Angry

Written by Marianne on February 4, 2011

A reader writes:

My kids and my husband are always making me angry;  and when I get angry, it escalates and I can’t stop it!  What can I do?

My Answer

Those that we love and live with seem to be the best at exposing our weaknesses, don’t they!  It can feel really exasperating at times.  Here are a few suggestions to keep your anger under control:

  1. Take responsibility for your anger.  It is coming from you and no one else, so you are the only one who can control it.
  2. Take a few deep breaths or count to 10.
  3. Ask yourself why you are angry.  This sounds like a strange thing to do, but usually the reason is not as straightforward as you think.  It is often because we might feel disrespected or ineffective or unrecognized.  It might be because now you have something else to do and you were already feeling overwhelmed.
  4. Depending on the answers you get to #3, make a plan to deal with the real reason.  Can you state something in a clearer way?  Can you take some time off by yourself to think things through?  Can you delegate something?  Does a child need to have a consequence for breaking an established rule?  Or maybe there was not explicit rule and now you are frustrated that they “should have known.”  Mind reading doesn’t work.  Straight, clear, loving communication does.

The reason anger spirals out of control is because if you focus on something, you attract more of what you focus on.  So when you focus on an injustice or a slight or a thoughtless comment, it gets bigger and bigger in your mind and you get more and more angry.

So, take a step to make things right and move on…don’t get stuck where you don’t want to be!

Categories: Anger, Children, Communication, Family, Parents - Tags: , ,

How Should I Respond to Hurtful Behaviors?

Written by Marianne on February 3, 2011

A reader writes:

It seems a mystery to me how one can NOT take offense when another does something to hurt you.  I know that things are not always what they appear to be and we don’t always know why people do what they do.  If I see someone behave in a way that might be hurtful or aggressive to me, I try to see them in the eyes of Jesus and think that if only they had love, they would not want to even appear to be mean or hurtful or critical or judgmental, right?

My Answer

It sure can be difficult to see “hurtful actions” as not about you but about the one doing the hurting; but that is what it is.

People act and react more often than not, out of their own pain and dysfunction;  sometimes people are just thoughtless because of a momentary slip of consciousness.

Very rarely is hurtful behavior about the intended recipient, really.  So whether it is a momentary lapse (which we all have from time to time)  or a habit of unconsciousness, responding to hurtful behavior requires love without “attachment”  — the kind of love Jesus had and has, where he was never dependent upon anyone else’s approval. 

People come and people go, so do hurts and pains as well as joys. We need to hold the things of this world lightly.

The question is not, “Do they have love?” . . .

. . . but “do I have love?”  What is going on in their mind really is not our concern because we can’t change that.  We can only change our own minds.

Categories: Anger, Behavior, Communication - Tags: , , , ,

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