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My Family Makes Me Angry

Written by Marianne on February 4, 2011

A reader writes:

My kids and my husband are always making me angry;  and when I get angry, it escalates and I can’t stop it!  What can I do?

My Answer

Those that we love and live with seem to be the best at exposing our weaknesses, don’t they!  It can feel really exasperating at times.  Here are a few suggestions to keep your anger under control:

  1. Take responsibility for your anger.  It is coming from you and no one else, so you are the only one who can control it.
  2. Take a few deep breaths or count to 10.
  3. Ask yourself why you are angry.  This sounds like a strange thing to do, but usually the reason is not as straightforward as you think.  It is often because we might feel disrespected or ineffective or unrecognized.  It might be because now you have something else to do and you were already feeling overwhelmed.
  4. Depending on the answers you get to #3, make a plan to deal with the real reason.  Can you state something in a clearer way?  Can you take some time off by yourself to think things through?  Can you delegate something?  Does a child need to have a consequence for breaking an established rule?  Or maybe there was not explicit rule and now you are frustrated that they “should have known.”  Mind reading doesn’t work.  Straight, clear, loving communication does.

The reason anger spirals out of control is because if you focus on something, you attract more of what you focus on.  So when you focus on an injustice or a slight or a thoughtless comment, it gets bigger and bigger in your mind and you get more and more angry.

So, take a step to make things right and move on…don’t get stuck where you don’t want to be!

Categories: Anger, Children, Communication, Family, Parents - Tags: , ,

How Should I Respond to Hurtful Behaviors?

Written by Marianne on February 3, 2011

A reader writes:

It seems a mystery to me how one can NOT take offense when another does something to hurt you.  I know that things are not always what they appear to be and we don’t always know why people do what they do.  If I see someone behave in a way that might be hurtful or aggressive to me, I try to see them in the eyes of Jesus and think that if only they had love, they would not want to even appear to be mean or hurtful or critical or judgmental, right?

My Answer

It sure can be difficult to see “hurtful actions” as not about you but about the one doing the hurting; but that is what it is.

People act and react more often than not, out of their own pain and dysfunction;  sometimes people are just thoughtless because of a momentary slip of consciousness.

Very rarely is hurtful behavior about the intended recipient, really.  So whether it is a momentary lapse (which we all have from time to time)  or a habit of unconsciousness, responding to hurtful behavior requires love without “attachment”  — the kind of love Jesus had and has, where he was never dependent upon anyone else’s approval. 

People come and people go, so do hurts and pains as well as joys. We need to hold the things of this world lightly.

The question is not, “Do they have love?” . . .

. . . but “do I have love?”  What is going on in their mind really is not our concern because we can’t change that.  We can only change our own minds.

Categories: Anger, Behavior, Communication - Tags: , , , ,

What is the Best Way to Talk With My Parents?

Written by Marianne on February 2, 2011

A reader writes:

I have a hard time talking to my parents.  It seems they either blow me off, or expect me to fail.  It doesn’t seem that they have any faith in me at all.  Then they complain that we never talk!

My Answer

Communication within families sometimes seems to be the most challenging!  We all have a history in the relationship and begin to make assumptions based on past performance or previous expectations.

The truth is, no matter how difficult it may be to break through your past history, the payoff for persistence is greater intimacy, which is pretty much what most people are looking for.

When you talk to your parents, know that they also are looking for this intimacy, or they would not say “we never talk.”

Moving ahead with that assumption, do not play games and beat around the bush, but state plainly what it is that you are looking for or what you want to communicate.  Do not expect them to read your mind.

Give your parents a chance to think about what you say, even if it means leaving the subject alone for a few hours and coming back to it later.

When they respond, be honest and straightforward and calm about your feelings and your needs.  Be as open as you can be.  Do not base your expectations on the past, but remember that each interaction has a chance to be fresh and new, taking your relationship to a higher level.

Important communication skills include:

  1. Calm.  Make your approach non threatening by being respectful of the other person’s time and feelings.
  2. Clear.  Clearly state what you want to communicate directly to the person you want to communicate with.  Do not try to work through another person.
  3. Consideration.  Give the other person a chance to consider what you say.
  4. Clarification.  Listen to what they say, and communicate back to them what you think you understood them to say.
  5. Confrontation.  This does not have to be forceful, but be persistent until you understand each other (keeping the previous points in mind all along the way.)
  6. Closeness.  Calm, clear, respectful communication can break down years of barriers erected for self protection.

Self protection often leads to loneliness and isolation.  Taking the time to break those barriers releases you and creates space for greater intimacy.

Categories: Children, Communication, Family, Parents, Relationship Issues - Tags: , , , , ,

The Power of Imagination: How Creative Thinking Saved a Life

Written by Marianne on February 1, 2011

The king was shocked to find that his brother’s wife had been unfaithful.  He was even more devastated to find that his own wife had strayed as well. 

Deciding that all women were not to be trusted, he vowed to marry a virgin and kill her the next day so that she could not disappoint him and make a fool of him again.

This went on until there were no virgins left in his country, except one.  Although her father tried to protect her, she offered herself as a bride to the king. 

The first night, the king’s new bride concocted a tale that was so gripping, it left him hanging on her words until the next night, when she promised to tell more of the story.  So he stayed her execution until the next day. 

Her creativity so compelled him as she wove interesting and complicated stories to last one thousand and one nights until the king finally reversed his decision and spared her life. 

The story of “The Arabian Nights” reminds us of the power of imagination . . .

. . . and the power of one person’s creativity. This desperate young woman created from her own mind such interesting and curiosity-provoking tales that it won her the freedom to really live.

Does this year feel like just a re-do of last year?  Do you sometimes feel trapped in a situation that is beyond your control? 

You might come up with a few resolutions to lose a few pounds, get a few more clients, look for a new job, be nicer to your spouse, try to get your kids to listen or make more money, but within a few weeks, it all fizzles and you are back to your old rut.

Why don’t you give yourself the gift of brainstorming?

 You can brainstorm with your spouse, your kids, a colleague or alone.  But give yourself a chance to just sit for an hour and come up with ideas with no limits, just share dreams and wishes and ideas.

Don’t hold back; don’t judge; don’t limit.  Write down everything.  Just have fun creating. 

After you are finished, create a plan to implement as many of those ideas as you can and have fun doing it!

What Do You Want This Year?

A stronger, more exciting marriage?

More manageable children?

A new job or business?

A soul mate? 

A more interesting, productive life?

Go for it! 

Let the encouragement of one woman who saved her life with her imagination be your motivator.  Create like there is no tomorrow.  Break your thinking out of the box. 

When you change your thinking, you can change your life; maybe even save it.

 

Have an abundantly blessed 2011!

www.marianneclyde.com

Originally Posted by marianne at 12/31/2010 9:16 AM |

Categories: Creativity, Positive Thinking - Tags: , , ,

How to Conquer Anxiety: The 21-Day Plan

Written by Marianne on January 31, 2011

How to conquer anxiety once and for all was the theme at my Taming Anxiety workshop on Thursday, January 6.

Attendees learned that a holistic approach is the only real way to resolve anxiety completely.  First a foundation must be laid of physical relaxation as a lifestyle, which provides a less fertile ground for anxiety to take root.  This is accomplished by a regular practice of breathing and muscle relaxation exercises, combined with a choice of calming techniques such as visualization, guided imagery, meditation, yoga, and just plain slowing down.

It is important for each person to create a personalized plan that works for him or her.  That is why each participant received a booklet entitled, ‘My 21 Day A.D.P. (anxiety deletion plan)’.”

Why 21 days?

 Because it takes at least 21 days to break a habit, and much of our chronic anxiety is due to habitual ways of thinking and acting. 

After establishing the groundwork, it is important to take time to clarify exactly what one’s specific  goals are and what “secondary gains” one might actually get from holding onto the anxiety, so they can be overcome.  A secondary gain could be attention from loved ones, a reason to put off difficult tasks, an opportunity to procrastinate, a personal identity.  It takes courage to face this; but it must be faced before it can be overcome.

Finding the origin of your anxiety is the key. This part of the workshop was the most popular, and is my particular specialty.  Once we find the source of our anxiety and the beliefs that hold it in place, we can change the beliefs and get on with our lives.

Building on the foundation of a calmer lifestyle, participants were taught good communication skills, how to recognize and overcome negative self-talk, as well as how to utilize positive, encouraging statements.

Some people with anxiety struggle with panic attacks, phobias and compulsions.  They were taught how to design a personalized plan of de-sensitization for these bothersome, paralyzing situations in order to conquer them once and for all.

One participant remarked, “Your holistic techniques are a welcomed change. I spent several months learning what you covered in two hours and learned many new techniques as well.”

Anxiety makes people feel like they are going crazy

. . . and that they are all alone.  It’s important for them to know that there are very real reasons why millions suffer from this and that it is very treatable condition.  It can be overcome.

If you need help to overcome anxiety in its many forms:

Call Marianne Clyde, LMFT, at (540) 347-3797

My offices are located at 20 Ashby St. Suite 105, Warrenton, VA 20186.

  For more information go to www.marianneclyde.com

Originally Posted by marianne at 1/10/2011 6:50 PM |

Categories: Anxiety, Panic - Tags: , , , ,

50 Ways to Love Your Lover

Written by Marianne on January 30, 2011
  1. Use eye contact when you talk.
  2. Pay attention to what is important to your lover. (You may love for someone to hover when you are sick; he/she may not.)
  3. Expense is not what is important in gift giving; it’s the thought. (A rose can have as much impact as a car, presented with the right attitude.)
  4. Talk about your lover positively even when he/she is not present.
  5. Affirm your lover at every opportunity.
  6. Give him space to watch the game without whining that he is not paying attention to you; and use that time to do something for you! (and vice versa)
  7. Honor time with the “girls” and time with the “boys”. Friends are important.
  8. Encourage hobbies. It makes life more interesting.
  9. Plan time together, even when you are both really busy. (Breakfast, lunch, coffee, dinner, movie.)
  10. Rather than nagging, decide if what you are requesting is that important to you. If it is, discuss it face to face and tell why it is important to you.
  11. When you are in the wrong, apologize.
  12. Spend designated times talking about why you fell in love.
  13. Write an occasional love note and leave it on the coffee pot, or wherever your lover will see it.
  14. Remember important dates.
  15. Tell your kids how special their mommy or daddy is and why. (Or tell your grandkids how special their grandma or grandpa is.)
  16. Little affectionate touches through the day go a long way. (Not sexual, just tender.)
  17. Make a point of saying yes whenever you can. That way, when you feel like you must say no, it is respected and doesn’t cause offense. (This is not just for sex, but for anything.)
  18. Plan an adventure together: a vacation, a day trip, something out of the ordinary to keep things fun and interesting.
  19. Take turns reading to each other.
  20. Be flexible.
  21. Practice seeing your lover through God’s eyes, who thinks each of us is precious and special.
  22. Pick your battles, and just breathe.
  23. Speak in “I” statements when you want to make a point. “I feel______when _______.”
  24. Ask for what you want or need. Even though you know each other well, mind reading is still a very rare gift.
  25. Smile often.
  26. Limit complaining.
  27. Stop blaming.
  28. Take responsibility for your own feelings and your own circumstances.
  29. Notice and recognize positive changes: the haircut, the new dress, the new tie, the new muscles, the kind word, the helping out.
  30. Forgive quickly. It’s even more beneficial to you than the one who offended.
  31. Never assume anything. Ask; clarify.
  32. Treat each conversation like it’s your last. What would you like your lover to hear if they were your last words?
  33. Find something you enjoy doing together: play cards, go to movies, take walks, play games, attend sporting events, watch the games on TV, cook, build things, read.
  34. Nurture friendships with other couples or individuals that you both enjoy.
  35. Maintain your own health by eating well and staying fit.
  36. Maintain a strong body and a strong mind, so that you feel good about yourself.
  37. Have fun. Enjoy your life.
  38. Be grateful for each other.
  39. Be generous with each other.
  40. Resist comparing yourselves to each other or others.
  41. Celebrate each other’s victories.
  42. Don’t feel like you have to fix each other’s problems; just be there to listen and support.
  43. Never betray a confidence (unless it is life threatening).
  44. Give gifts that your lover wants, not just things you want him/her to have.
  45. Put yourself in the other’s shoes before you get angry.
  46. Do not obsess about something he or she says or does, ask for clarification and leave it at that.
  47. Look at every interaction as a new start.   Avoid “always” and “never” in your conversations.
  48. Rather than avoiding confrontation, realize that a well orchestrated, thoughtful confrontation can enhance intimacy.
  49. If you think you might have misunderstood, ask for clarification.
  50. Kiss your lover before you walk out the door.

Categories: Communication, Love, Marriage, Positive Thinking, Relationship Issues - Tags: , ,

Mindful eating creates a healthy diet

Written by Marianne on January 27, 2011

Given the huge interest (one could even call it an obsession) that we have with food, dieting, eating, and weight loss, I figured that I would “weigh in” with some important and simple helps.

The most important thing you can do to improve your diet is to eat more vegetables and whole grains. Filling your life with restrictions doesn’t not contribute to a feeling of abundance or joy, or fullness for that matter. So instead, I recommend finding fun, healthy and unique ways of preparing, serving and eating vegetables (and other healthy foods) so that there is not as much room left for the fried chicken, donuts and cheese fries.

If you are eating, dieting or exercising compulsively, it is most likely not about the food anyway. There are deeper issues that can be healed with help. If you recognize these behaviors, call me — (540) 347-3797 — or a therapist near you immediately.

If we are simply mindful about how we shop and what we keep in our pantry and refrigerator, and how we eat, we are half way to our goals of a balanced, healthy diet and life.

My Favorite Fun and Healthy Recipes

Chicken Tortilla Soup
by Bethany Todd

INGREDIENTS
1-2 chicken breasts
5 cups chicken broth
1 can diced tomatoes (fire roasted flavor are best, otherwise it doesn’t matter)
1/2 cup salsa verde (green salsa)
1/2 cup chopped onion
2 cloves garlic, coarsely chopped
1/2 cup frozen corn
1 can kidney beans (washed and drained)
handful cilantro, coarsely chopped
1 tsp. cumin
1 tsp. chili powder

DIRECTIONS
Boil and chop chicken. Saute onion and garlic with about 1-2 TBSP. olive oil. Add chicken, tomatoes, chicken broth. Bring to a boil and add remaining ingredients. Simmer on low until the soup is hot (10-15 minutes). Eat and enjoy guilt free.

OPTIONAL ADDITIONS:
brown rice in soup
avocado topping

Pasta Puttenesca (serves 2)
from Briarley Hill Retreat

NOODLES
2 large zucchini

SAUCE
2 large fresh tomatoes
6 sundried tomatoes
12 Kalamata olives
2 cloves garlic
1/4 t. crushed red pepper flakes
2T. olive oil

Easy “fettuccine” noodles: Use a vegetable peeler to remove the dark outer green peel of the zucchini. Using long strokes with the peeler, make thin slices of the zucchini until you get down to the core. The slices are your raw, gluten free “fettuccine” noodles.

Sauce: Place all other ingredients in a food processor and pulse, or chop by hand.
Top the noodles with the sauce. Enjoy!

Chopped Pear and Cucumber Salad
from Flavor Magazine

Preparation time: 15 minutes
Serves 2

2 T olive oil
1 T sherry vinegar
1 medium cucumber, peeled, seeded, and
diced
1 medium red bell pepper, roughly chopped
1 pear, cored and chopped
1/2 small sweet onion, minced
1/2 c dried cherries (or dried cranberries, if cherries are unavailable)
1 head romaine lettuce, chopped
4 oz Middlebrook Highland Swiss cheese,
cut into cubes
1/2 c pecans, toasted and coarsely chopped
Salt to taste
Ground black pepper

Whisk oil and vinegar together in a large bowl. Add cucumber, bell pepper, pear, onion, and cherries; toss and let stand at room temperature to blend flavors, 5 minutes.

Add romaine, cheese, and pecans, and toss to combine. Season with salt and pepper and serve.

Here’s to mindful eating! Enjoy! And remember to call if you have eating issues that you would like to address personally and confidentially. 540-347-3497

www.marianneclyde.com

Categories: Eating Disorder, Food/Nutrition, Weight Management - Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Marianne Clyde’s Self Help Blog

Written by Marianne on January 25, 2011

Welcome to Marianne Clyde’s ‘new’ self-help blog.

My website, blog and shop have had a major makeover!

This means that the blog articles that were on my old blog will be re-posted over the coming few weeks. As we update my new website and blog, you will come across blog articles that I originally published awhile ago, as they are being republished here.

If you missed them the first time around, then here’s your opportunity to catch up with them — and to post any comments.

During this transition, some of the comments that were originally posted to the articles on the ‘old’ blog may not show up here; if you previously added a comment and wish to comment again, please do when you have a moment.

Thank you for visiting my blog!

Categories: Welcome - Tags: ,

Are you S.A.D.?

Written by Marianne on January 18, 2011

Some people say that the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Clearly, by this time, many get weary of the nights coming so early and the morning sun rising so late. And during the day, it is often overcast and cold. Even venturing outside at all can seem like a daunting task!

The weather makes us want to hunker down and eat comfort food, which often consists of the kind of carbs we try to limit when we are in a more healthy frame of mind. Then we gain that extra winter weight that makes us feel disgusted with ourselves, which makes the whole vicious cycle worse! It might cause us to feel sad and lose interest in the things that usually mean something to us. It can interfere with our sleep….too much or too little, and contribute to the feeling of lethargy and apathy.

(If you begin to feel so hopeless as to consider suicidal thoughts, it’s time to call a therapist or 911 immediately.)

Feeling more depressed and anxious than usual, particularly during the winter months, is often diagnosed as Seasonal Affective Disorder — a condition that has the same symptoms as regular depression, but with a seasonal specifier.

You also may be low in Vitamin D that you can get from being in the sun, so you might want to check with your doctor to see if there are vitamin supplements he’d like to suggest.

Here are a few things you can do during the winter months to beat the blues:

1. Even if you don’t feel like going outside, try a short brisk walk, just to get some fresh air. If you can’t tolerate that, try the treadmill or an exercise or yoga video that you can do from the warmth of your home. Try to do some form of physical exercise at least 3-5 times a week.
2. Consider others’ needs. Is there someone else you can help? Can you buy a few extra things at the grocery store and take them to the local food pantry? Remember, there are a lot of people who feel like you do and don’t have the resources to do much about it!
3. You could do some volunteer work, to get you out of the house and mixing with other people.
4. Call a friend to meet you for coffee or lunch. OR invite someone over. Sometimes company is just the motivation we need to clean the house
5. Call your doctor to see if he recommends any additional vitamin supplements or any kind of “light therapy” for winter depression.
6. Schedule a comedy movie night, by yourself or with friends!
7. Arrange to watch a football game with friends.
8. What about sending a “just thinking about you” card or note to people you know and like?
9. Visit the local animal shelter and pet a puppy who needs you.
10. Notice that the days actually are getting longer

If you find that you really need to talk to someone, give me a call 540-347-3797.

And remember, just breathe.
For more helpful suggestions, go to www.marianneclyde.com .

Categories: Depression, Mental Habits - Tags: , , , ,

Lose weight without the struggle

Written by Marianne on January 12, 2011

Lose weight without the struggle! It’s not just about losing weight, but about living a long, healthy and abundant life.

The secret to losing weight without the struggle is not to make huge changes, denying yourself the things you love and losing a load of weight over night. It is about finding a lifestyle that works for you. Often, tiny changes and a little thinking ahead makes a world of difference.

1. The first step is to get moving.
You don’t have to run a marathon right off the bat, but pick an exercise and a time that works for you and start doing it. I am walking about 80-90 minutes a day (five miles), for now because that fits into my schedule if I do it first thing in the morning. Nothing has to last forever. Being flexible means, do what works for you today. If it doesn’t work for you tomorrow, change it. But don’t let apathy and indecision keep you from starting today.

2. Another important step is to increase your plant intake!
That means, lots of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, beans, legumes and nuts. Most experts agree that most of your calorie intake should be from these sources. They are readily available and pretty inexpensive.

3. Next, plan ahead.
Plan to eat healthy meals. Think, before you go shopping, what your plan will be for the week. If you buy lots of fresh fruits and veggies and keep them cut up and easily accessible, you don’t have to panic when you come in the house starving and grab a donut or candy bar, but rather, you can grab and apple or peach or cut up vegetable sticks (which you have in a container in the fridge!) and hummus. As a matter of fact, if you are really planning ahead, you won’t buy the junk. I find it a whole lot easier not to eat it if it’s not there!! It’s also helpful to make healthy soups or other dishes that you can keep for a few days in the refrigerator as staples, that you can easily and quickly pack for your lunch.

4. Make small changes in how much you eat and drink.
Is there a way a sparkling water can replace one of your glasses of wine? (Most alcoholic drinks are around 150 calories, depending on the size.) A black coffee or tea instead of a cappuccino or chai latte? Can you ask for a doggy bag before you start your dinner, saving half to take home and have for lunch tomorrow? Can you order just one appetizer when you are out and if you are still hungry order another later? Many times I find that I am satisfied with much less than I initially thought I wanted when I am really hungry. Technically after a couple of bites, your stomach is no longer empty!

5. And here’s a radical thought!
Eat only when you are hungry and stop when you are full! It may take a bit of fasting (Maybe 24 hours, maybe less) until your stomach clearly sends you a message that says, “Feed me NOW!” Many times we don’t recognize the message because we are grazing all the time and really don’t know what it’s like to feel hungry. If you use this approach, nothing has to be off limits. Have your chocolate cake, but stop after a couple of bites. There really is no evil food; but the amounts can derail you, if you are not paying attention. If you eat slowly and thoughtfully, you will recognize that you feel full before the food on your plate is gone. AND if you have filled up mostly on veggies (point number 2), what is the harm of having a couple of bites of cake?

6. And finally, meditate daily. Why is this a diet tip? Because you and I both know that MUCH of our out of control eating is emotionally based. We eat to fill a void. We DON’T eat to fill a void. We comfort ourselves with food and other addictions such as alcohol or medicines. If we take time to quiet ourselves and connect to the source that supplies all our needs–spirit, soul and body, we will soon find out that we are calmer, self soothing, more peaceful, with fewer outstanding needs and more energy. Maybe you will even notice that you are healthier and don’t have all the symptoms that you have been masking with medications. You will sleep better, feel better and look better.

www.marianneclyde.com

Categories: Food/Nutrition, Physical Fitness, Weight Management - Tags: , , , ,

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